things just aren't exactly going the way i want them to.. it's not that they're bad but just not the way i want it to be...

i don't know if i'm over reacting.. but i don't want things to get worse. i don't want to look back and regret. and for that there'll have to be compromise.

i mean school's ok.. but i get a lot of anxiety and it's not a good feeling.. not at all. especially before tests. i try to prepare for it but like my tummy gets all queasy and i literally feel like puking.. (have to be consistent ally!)

the more i try to be focused, the more i wanna just run away from it all. the more i wanna stay at home, the more i wanna be away. but when i'm away i keep thinking about home. it's terrible.

and i admit i'm selfish. i try to act like it's not such a big deal and let my parents bear the burden themselves but of course... it matters a lot to me. the day i was home i kept checking on her and got a shock of my life and when i saw her lying on the bed with her eyes closed. she just dozed off. haha. it was so silly.. but i mean better be safe than sorry right. it's really difficult to deal with the fact that you might be losing someone you love so much so soon, even when you haven't (yet), and even when you knew all along that this time would come.. but being human.. you'd always think "nah.. it won't happen so soon".

i really try to be at the places i have to be as much as i can. i'm not one with much capacity really. but there are alotta expectations, from others and from myself. Can't meet them all the time and it's disappointing. It really hurts sometimes when the seniors say "eh this girl stay in this block one meh" or like "you from eusoff meh? thought you move out already".. they're just kidding la i know. I must really thank God for really great dance seniors in eusoff.. really really. they're the best and always understanding. (:

i miss michelle a lot really. i miss having someone i can always always count on to go to the canteen to eat with, go mug in the library with or just stoning around at a classroom or the windy benches. i really really really miss it.. very very very much. it gets lonely..

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